2019 came at exactly the right time

Nothing makes me happier or more hopeful than a fresh start.

I realized earlier today that, for the last 3 years, I have been happy to send the ending year off. That realization did not feel good at all. Being unhappy isn’t who I am, and even though the universe seems to be doing as much as possible to make it so, I don’t want to be that person.

Despite knowing that, 2018 was still an awful year. There are a lot of reasons why — here are a few:

• Grief: At this point it feels like feeling the loss of my mom will never end, but I know that isn’t exactly true. I’ve just had some pretty significant realizations lately, which has brought those acute feelings of sadness and loss back. A good friend shared a quote with me recently that I will be carrying with me throughout this new year:

“Grief never ends…but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith…it is the price of love.”

• Anger: Reflecting on the year, it seems like I was angry constantly. It was usually at Shelby, or it was about work, or it was about my mom, or it was about Texas and US politics, or it was about not yet being a mom, but seriously, ALL. THE . TIME.
• Speculation & Skepticism: A lot of people gave me a lot of reasons to question everything. I still trust my instincts and intuition, but damn if all that questioning hasn’t made me an emotional and physical wreck.
• Health: Since I was in college, I’ve had about 1 or 2 migraines a year. In 2018, I had somewhere around 12–14, including one every couple of weeks for the last couple months. I haven’t identified any concrete triggers, but I am nearly certain they are stress related.

Even with all that, there are some great things that happened for me in 2018:

• Therapy: My therapist has been a true gift. She’s helped me process the heaviest shit I’ve ever dealt with, and I truly don’t think I’d have made it through the year in one piece without her.
• Work: I had been waiting for the opportunity to go work with fulori forever, and it finally came in January! I’m doing important work that I’m good at with really special young people and I get to do it with my best friend.
• Reading: Midway through 2017 I picked my Audible subscription back up and started listening to books on my commute. I loved reading as a kid, but then just stopped…so in 2018 when I joined Goodreads (the social network for sharing reviews on books) and was challenged to set a goal for reading during the year, I took it. I hadn’t read more than 10 books since graduate school, but in 2018, I read 30. In 2019, I want to read 40. I want to read the stories of people different than me, and I’ll be intentional about the authors and plots I consume. (Give me your recommendations in the comments!)
• Beto for Texas: I got to spend the few months before the midterm election volunteering for the most energizing, exciting, and empowering campaign that I’ve seen during my life in Texas. Spending time with people who were working hard for the future of Texas and for our country was one of the most incredible things I’ve done.
• Babies: So many of the closest people in my life have welcomed little ones in the last 2 years. Getting to watch them be parents and watch their tiny humans grow into people with personalities and the most beautiful eyes and curls and smiles, while getting a new identity as Auntie Shiloh is one of the greatest gifts I’ve been given
• People: I had several visits with close friends and a couple of trips that gave me time with people I hold dear. FaceTime and texting help in the interim, but there’s no real replacement for being able to be face to face and within hugging distance of the people that fill me up. I’m hoping for more of that in 2019.

I have some real, serious intentions of getting my life back in 2019, because what’s been going on isn’t going to last. Here’s the plan:

• Get healthy: With these migraines, my body is clearly trying to send me a message, and I intend to listen. So, I’m getting my diet in check, taking vitamins and some specific supplements, trying to drink 96 ounces of water a day and not much else, and I’m toying with a goal of 300 workouts in 365 days. I’ve also gained 25 pounds in the last 3 years, and I’d like to get some of that extra weight off.
• Be grateful: To combat the anger and resentment that colored 2018, I’ve started a daily gratitude practice. I need to spend time every day thinking about the things I am grateful for and the things that make me happy. It sounds dramatic, but I think my health depends on it.
• Write: As I’ve said here before, I wish more people would share their true experiences. I know I’m not the only one dealing with the things I’m dealing with, but because it’s messy, it’s hard to talk about and hard to find other people going through the same things. So I’m hoping to put myself out there to connect with folks and make the world a little less dark.
• Put down roots: I’ve felt deeply unsettled for a variety of reasons, and that has intensified since my mom died. Shelby and I are looking for a house in Austin, and I cannot wait to start a more permanent version of life, in a place that we can make a home and not immediately wonder if we’ll be moving in a year.
• Reignite my relationship: Shelby and I have our second wedding anniversary at the end of this month and will have been together four years this summer. Things were so good right after we got married, but then my mom’s death and the sudden escalation of Shelby’s mental health struggles collided and suddenly it felt like our brand new marriage was 10 years old. Along with the therapy we’ve been in, we also need dates and conversations about things that have nothing to do with our relationship, and fun. We’ve been seriously lacking in fun.
• Have more fun: My marriage isn’t the only thing that hasn’t been fun. I’ve let myself be overcome with all the negativity over the last year and a half, and so even things that should have been a blast were short lived. This year, I’m seeking joy. I’m seeking experiences over stuff. I’m seeking all the positive brain chemistry that comes from enjoying life versus trudging through it.

And there you have it. This year will be different than the last 3. I can feel it.